I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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