It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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