Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
