Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
