the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
