I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
