brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
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Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
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He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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