3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
