she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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