my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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