Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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