mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
