wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
