The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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