I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
