I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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