I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
