I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I will pee on everything he values.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
