she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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