Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
