i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
