Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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