Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
