Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
