and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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