worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
