My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
