You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
