tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
just found out that she named her cat after me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
