: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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