I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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