I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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