My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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