Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
