No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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