Betty ford says i'm here all night
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
