I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
