I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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