nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
