the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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