I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
