Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
