so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
