its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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