I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
