There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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