Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
