I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
