For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
