I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
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