my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
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Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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