Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
