HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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