Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
