Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
