Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
she smelled like a LAN party
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
